


some gays hang out together the movie: the squeakquel

by iloverenqueenston



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Discord - Freeform, F/F, Gen, Mall of America, Minnesota, Road Trips, great wolf lodge, like the chat thing, no one knows these locations, well technically airplane trip but
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-04-26 08:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14398188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iloverenqueenston/pseuds/iloverenqueenston
Summary: i never fuckin finished the last one so have this trashill probably never finish this eitheranyway i dont know where i got this idea?? i kinda recently went to the cities butyes i live in minnesota. its fucking coldalso i put parentheses so you can know dave/roxy and dirk/rose





	1. bon jovi and smash mouth

(dave)TG: hey guys its really fucking cold here  
TG: its all in the negatives and shit  
(roxy)TG: right. and whose idea was it to be here for the holidays?  
(dirk)TT: Roxy, it was you.  
(roxy)TG: oh  
TG: damn u right  
(rose)TT: It’s really not that cold.  
(dave)TG: yeah well you lived in fuckin  
TG: where did you live  
(rose)TT: New York.  
(dave)TG: yeah see  
TG: and it snowed all the time  
(rose)TT: Not all the time.  
(dave)TG: literally everyone but me has been through this cold  
TG: fuck texas  
(rose)TT: Wouldn’t it be difficult to have sexual intercourse with an entire state?  
EB: isn’t texas like the biggest state?  
(dave)TG: no i think thats alaska  
TG: but on land or whatever it is  
TG: and it SUCKS  
TG: wait is the future hot  
(roxy)TG: ya cuz im there  
TG: well i was there  
TG: fuck i ruined the joke  
TG: anyway where the FUCK are the trolls  
(dave)TG: oh shit is this that chat  
(roxy)TG: ye  
TG: is that  
TG: bad  
(dave)TG: no i just didnt know lmao  
GA: What Do You Want  
(rose)TT: Your love.  
GA: You Already Have It  
(roxy)TG: *third grader grossed out by love noise*  
(dave)TG: guys we gotta get on a plane tomorroe  
TG: do yall have your shit  
(dirk)TT: I have my shit, but it is not together.  
(rose)TT: I don’t think any of our shit is together.  
TT: Wait, that doesn’t sound right.  
TT: Hm.  
TT: I can’t find a way to fix it.  
(roxy)TG: its ok  
TG: no one but u cares about grammar  
GA: I Kind Of Do  
GA: But I Agree That Sentence Cannot Be Fixed  
(dave)TG: no one is even here how are we supposed to know if people have their shit  
TG: kanaya ask your troll friends  
GA: Not All Of Them Are My Friends But Okay  
TG: and us humans?  
TG: wait wheres jane  
(roxy)TG: and jade  
(dave)TG: how weird i asked about jane and you asked about jade  
TG: anyway  
TG: ill ask jade you ask jane go

TG: get on the server  
TG: the human AND troll one  
TG: or the human one i dont care

 

(roxy)TG: yo janey  
TG: jane  
TG: jane  
TG: im not gonna stop till u answer  
TG: jane  
TG: JANE  
TG: JANE ITS NOT @EVERYONE GET ON HERE  
GG: What?  
TG: u got ur shit  
GG: What?  
TG: stop sayin what  
GG:  
GG: What?  
TG: ur shit for the trip  
GG: What trip?  
TG: uhhhh to minnesota  
TG: the shittiest place to travel  
TG: actually did you hear what the governor of kentucky said kentucky might be worse  
TG: whats even in kentucky itd be boring anyway  
GG: What did the governor of Kentucky say?  
TG: look it up its too dumb for me to type  
TG: anyway  
TG: ur shit jane?  
GG: Yes, I’m all packed!  
TG: if ur lyin im gonna be angry  
TG: actually itll be ur loss i dont really care  
TG: but i also care about you and your happiness so i do care  
GG: Aww.

GG: uhhh what  
(dave)TG: oh hey you did what i said  
TG: are you all packed  
GG: yeah lol  
GG: what a dumb thing to tell me to get on the server for !!!  
TG: its not dumb i need to know if you have your shit  
GG: i have my shit!  
TG: good  
TG: roxy  
(roxy)TG: ye  
(dave)TG: does jane have her shit  
(roxy)TG: uh huh  
(dave)TG: kanaya  
GA: Yes  
TG: do the trolls have their shit  
GA: Oh I Havent Asked Yet  
TG: god  
TG: DAMMIT ok ask em then

GA: Are We All Packed  
AA: huh?  
AT: fOR THE TRIP TO MINNEAPOLIS, rIGHT?  
GA: Yes  
GA: How Did You Know  
AT: i’VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO IT FOR LIKE,  
AT: eVER,  
GA: We Didnt Know It Was Happening Since Forever But Okay  
GA: Are You Packed  
AT: oF COURSE!  
GA: Everyone Else  
CT: D—> I was packing but you distracted me  
GA: Oh  
GA: Well Go On then  
CT: D—> Okay I’m done now  
GA: Alright  
GA: So were all good to go  
CC: Yep! 38D  
TA: yeah  
CG: I WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE YES OR YEAH, BUT EVERYONE ALREADY SAID THAT. I THINK WE’RE ALL READY.  
GA: Would You Mind Hopping On The Troll And Human Server  
AC: :33< sure!

GA: Were All Packed  
TG: nice  
TG: all right go about your own days  
TG: were goin tomorrow  
TG: have a nice day  
TG: wait no  
TG: *bon jovi voice* have a nice day  
(rose)TT: Nice.  
(roxy)TG: *plays the guitar riff*  
(dave)TG: thats a good song  
(roxy)TG: im gonna go play it in vc  
(dave)TG: nice

(roxy)TG: !play bon jovi have a nice day  
HICbot: now playin: bon jovi - have a nice day  
TG: hell yeah  
GA: Can You Play Its My Life Next I Really Like That Song  
TG: hell  
TG: yeah  
TG: !play its my life bon jovi  
HICbot: added bon jovi - its my life to queue  
TG: kanaya u couldve done that just do ! and then play and then the song  
GA: Oh Okay  
GA: Let Me Try  
GA: Rose Showed Me This Song  
TG: ok  
GA: !play all star smash mouth  
TG: oh  
TG: my god  
HICbot: added smash mouth - all star to queue  
(dave)TG: did someone say all star smash mouth  
GA: Yes I Did  
TG: what  
GA: Rose Showed It To Me  
GA: Can You Not Read  
TG: uh no  
TG: no i cant  
GA: Oh  
GA: How Sad  
TG: i know  
TG: hey i was lookin at the map of mall of america  
TG: actually lets take this to general

TG: so i was lookin at the map of mall of america  
TG: and its fuckin HUGE  
TT: Yes, it is the biggest mall in North America.  
TG: and its in minnesota?  
TT: Yes.  
TG: goddamn  
TG: good job minnesota  
TT: *Minnesota voice* Thank you.  
TG: woah minnesota you can talk  
TT: Yes. You didn’t know that?  
TG: n  
TG: no no i didnt  
TT: All states can talk. One just has to listen.  
(roxy)TG: alright guys quit with your state roleplayin

HICbot: now playin: bon jovi - its my life

GA: Oh Yes  
(dave)TG: what  
GA: I Love This Song  
TG: what song  
TG: kanaya are you hallucinating  
(roxy)TG: in vc  
(dave)TG: oh  
TG: yeah but its not as good as have a nice day  
TG: because in that song hes like talking to you  
TG: and in this one hes like “yeah its all about ME”  
TG: actually thats probably not what theyre like ive never done deep research on bon jovi lyrics  
TG: unlike most people  
EB: i mean, he says it so angrily, i don’t think he really wants you to have a nice day.  
TG: who says have a nice day but doesnt want anyone to have a nice day  
TT: Maybe he’s talking to himself.  
TG: dammit jon you and your talking about yourself again  
TG: lets buy a bon jovi cd at the mall of america  
TT: Do they have music stores?  
TT: Or, CDs.  
TT: Doesn’t everyone just download their music now?  
TG: dude the mall of america has everything  
TT: Do they have live giraffes?  
TG: what no  
TT: Well then they don’t have everything.  
TG: yknow  
TG: *exasperated sigh*  
TG: uh they have barnes & noble barnes & noble has music right  
EB: yeah, but they mostly have books.  
TG: well duh im not stupid  
TG: rose they have those cute cat headphones  
TT: Really? How much are they  
TG: uh  
TG: like $100  
EB: god, i didn’t even think about the money.  
CG: IF WE CAN GET IN CONTACT WITH MEENAH, WE’LL BE FINE, RIGHT?  
EB: i don’t think she has human money.  
AG: Well then who does?  
EB: can we alchemize some?  
TG: oh shit good idea

HICbot: now playin: smash mouth - all star

TG: ah the three perfect songs  
TG: kinda wish we were taking a car so we could listen to those songs on repeat  
TT: We still can, just not together.  
EB: well what’s the point of that!  
TG: oh shit get dirk in here were talkin about friendship  
TG: its gettin rainbow dash up in here  
TT: Rainbow Dash is not an adjective, but okay.

Dirk, stalking the conversation, glanced at his pile of Rainbow Dash plushies, sweating. He didn’t expect that event to be the first non-chatlog text in this fic. 

The next day, Feferi was the first one at the airport, dragging Eridan along with her. Dave was next, surprised to be beaten by them, of all people. Dirk came in wearing a Rainbow Dash tee. Rose and Kanaya came in together, with the most bags by far. Eventually, everyone showed up, with Karkat about 10 minutes late.  
“that was like an hour of waiting for people and we still have like an hour before we can get on. then we have to wait for the fat 40 year old mom to put her seatbelt on” said Dave, as the gang sat down in one of the many lounges around the airport.  
“Is one of us that mom?” Jane said, looking at her chubby belly.  
“nah none of us are close to 40”  
“Who’s sitting by who?” Dirk asked, looking at his phone.  
“Well, I’m sitting by Terezi. I specifically requested to get tickets like that.” said Vriska, holding Terezi’s hand.  
“Did we not just buy... 16 seats, and figure out who’d sit where soon? said Jake.  
“Oh yeah, good point. I’m still sitting by Terezi though.”  
“im gonna go grab some aj yall want anything” Dave said, standing up.  
“I HAVE A STRANGE CRAVING FOR... WHAT WERE THOSE CHEDDAR TRIANGLES CALLED?” said Karkat.  
“doritos? i can get you some doritos. anyone else?” Everyone shaked their head, with Rose adding, “I think we all have our own snacks.”  
“Can We Bring Snacks On Planes?” asked Kanaya, as Dave walked away.  
“Solid snacks, yeah. They have this weird thing with liquids. Actually it’s not really weird but whatever.”  
When Dave came back with the couple of snacks, he chugged his apple juice, while Karkat saved his Doritos for later. A few minutes later, they were called to the gate.


	2. doritos

On the way to the gate, the gang picked up some of the people that weren’t sitting with the main group, like the trolls that weren’t on the meteor, and the cherubs, who were also there. Everyone got their luggage checked, and everyone was surprised Gamzee actually got through. Karkat didn’t say he thoroughly made sure he didn’t have anything on him.   
The seating arrangement took up 4 rows, with 3 seats on each side, leaving 2 seats empty. Luckily, those seats were never occupied. The arrangement looked like this;  
CC/CA/ /(rose)TT/GA  
AG/GC/(jade)GG CG/(dave)TG/EB  
TC/AT/TA AA/AC/CT  
uu/(dirk)TT/GT UU/(jane)GG/(roxy)/TG  
That looks confusing because of the parentheses, but hopefully you can understand it.  
Being on an airplane doesn’t make for very good writing material. Neither does an airport, but that has snacks and everything, so it’s a little easier. But on airplane there’s a bathroom. That’s pretty much it. Maybe now would be a good time to say Nepeta doesn’t like airplanes. She’s nervous they’re going to crash or something bad like that. She sits by Equius to help her calm down. She usually sits by Equius to help her calm down, even when she’s not on an airplane. She also has the most gum out of everyone to help the air pressure making people’s ears pop. It would probably be easier to write about people on airplanes if this was a porn fic, which it originally was going to be, but then I thought it would be more fun for everyone to just have some fun in Minneapolis. Mostly because I can relate to that part and not fucking in an airplane. Hey, what is this, my autobiography? Even though it’s hard, I do have some things to tell you about these kids on this airplane.  
Karkat’s Doritos were very loud, and he was forced to share them with Dave. “yo gimme those doritos” he said.   
“NO, THEY’RE MINE.”  
“dude i paid for em! i dont even need all of them just like 3”  
“THREE!!!”  
“man your not willing to give a bro THREE doritos? the string tying our brohood together is being untied by you right now”  
All this yelling about Doritos woke poor John up. “what about doritos?”  
“OH, COME ON, I HAVE TO SHARE WITH JOHN NOW TOO?”  
Dave looked at Karkat and attempted to make an untying motion with his hands. Instead it looked like he was just moving his hands farther apart. It made no sense to anybody but him.  
Eventually, he handed the bag to Dave. Dave handed a couple of the chops to John. Dave took the same amount, and handed it back to Karkat.  
“THAT’S ONLY TWO DORITOS.”  
“huh?”  
“YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO TAKE THREE. YOU TOOK TWO.”  
“hey man. theyre your doritos.”  
“that was soooo cute!! :DDD” Jade had watched the whole Dorito Debacle Of 2018. Karkat could her her stomach grumbling, even from across the aisle. He handed two more Doritos to her.  
“thanks, but...you’re not gonna have any doritos left soon!”  
“NO. TAKE THEM. I’M FINE.”  
“are you sure?” Karkat nodded.   
“i’ll pay you back.” said Jade as she took the chips.  
After eating his Doritos, Dave put his earbuds in and started listening to some music.   
“dave, are you listening to darude sandstorm?”  
“what no”  
“yes you are.”   
“why arent you asleep”  
“doritos.”  
“shit??”  
“hey, listen to this and don’t look at the screen.”   
Dave Strider then proceeded to get RickRolled in the great year of 2018.

(dave)TG: day 3: no one knows were going to a furry hotel  
(rose)TT: A what?  
TG: god rose you sit right in front of me

“A what?”  
“WHAT?” said Karkat.  
“what?” said John.  
“nothing” said Dave.

TG: dont tell anyone   
TG: but  
TG: look up great wolf lodge  
TT: Okay.  
TT: Oh my God.  
TT: C’mon Dave. Why?  
TG: dude its fun  
TG: jades gonna die too  
TT: Why?  
TG: shes a furry   
TG: remember  
TG: i thought it was obvious due to the dog ears  
TT: Well, she didn’t have a choice there.  
TG: true  
TG: death or permanent dog ears?  
TG: good thing she was already a furry

This is a weird place to stop, but I don’t have anything else to write. I would write about Nepeta chewing a bunch of gum, but that would be boring. Gamzee probably jerked off in the bathroom. I swear this isn’t a porn fic. I’m just excited to write about the hotel and the mall. 

Airplanes sure are boring.


	3. furry hotel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the plane lands and all the white people clap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is pretty nsfw especially towards the end like its still not a porn fic but. Yeah

Finally, the plane landed. I don’t know how long it took. I don’t know where they flew from. It takes five hours to drive from where I live so that maybe? Who cares, it felt long because it was an airplane and airplanes are boring. Everyone waited while everyone picked up their luggage, and Dave called a “Minnesota Meeting”.  
“alright guys we gotta come up with a s-“  
“hey, is that ice cream?”  
Dave looked where John was pointing. It was, in fact, a Dairy Queen. He didn’t know why John had to ask whether or not it was ice cream.   
“wanna talk about this over some blizzards”  
Everyone except Gamzee got ice cream. Gamzee didn’t get a burger or anything, he just took too long. Anyway, after slurping some of his ice cream obnoxiously loud, Dave called the meeting back. “we need a plan. a schedule.”  
“A sceh-duel.” said Rose.  
“exactly”  
“H3Y, WH3R3 4R3 W3 ST4Y1NG? YOU H4V3NT TOLD US Y3T.” said Terezi.  
“Yeah, where are we staying? On the road, like a ho8o?” said Vriska.   
“no were staying at a furry hotel”  
“A what?” said Jake.  
“exhibit a: great wolf lodge” Dave showed a photo of the basically fursuited mascots of GWL. “the girl one is violet the boy is wiley this is a real fucking thing and were staying there i told rose about it already actually”  
“He did.” Rose confirmed.  
“theyre so cute!!!” Jade basically yelled. “will we see them walking around? i wanna high five them!”   
“oh we will dont worry”  
“Also, the furries aren’t the only great part of this hotel.” Rose added.   
“THE FURRIES AREN’T GREAT.” said Karkat.   
“...The hotel isn’t all bad. There’s a giant waterpark, and a magical scavenger hunt called MagiQuest.”  
“hOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?” said Tavros.  
“I looked it up. Anyway, there’s also an arcade, a spa, a candy store, and a few restaurants!”  
“A FEW restaurants? In one hotel?” Jake exclaimed. Rose nodded.   
“what kind of room are we staying in?” said Aradia. Dave proceeded to explain what room they were staying in, (or rooms, since none of them are big enough for all of them) but I didn’t, because I’m too lazy to figure out the math for which rooms they should get. I can do research about where they are, but I’m not doing math. And anyway, it’s not like who sleeps where is going to be a big part of the plot. It would be if this was still a porn fic, but it’s not.   
“W41T, TH3R3S BOWL1NG H3R3! COOL!” said Terezi, who had apparently looked this place up sometime during the conversation.   
“oh yeah i forgot. theres bowling here” said Dave. “i think thats it tho. wait no theres a ropes course too. also ben and jerrys”  
“Jesus, we’re gonna 8e here all day! Can we go?” said Vriska.   
“yeah but. does anyone have to pee”  
“D—> I have to pee” said Equius, even though he stayed where he was.  
“okay you can. do that the bathrooms are right over there”  
“Well, I’m gonna go pee.” said Vriska, who actually walked into the bathroom.  
“D—> Where is she going”  
“the bathroom” said Dave, confused.  
“D—> What’s that”  
“It’s where you pee.” said Rose.  
“and poop”  
“D—> Oh really I’ve literally never taken my pants off e%cept for—Never mind”   
“mm thats kinda hot” said Roxy.  
“Roxy, do you have a pee fetish?!” said Jane.  
“do we have to talk about this right now?” said John.  
“gonna go in the bathroom see if i can catch vriska” said Roxy, jokingly standing up and immediately sitting back down. No one got the joke and just looked at her weird for a few seconds. That always happens.  
Then Vriska came back and Equius went, thinking people had to take turns, even though they went in two different bathrooms. The first time he came back out because he didn’t think you could go when anyone was there, even if you didn’t know them. Especially if you didn’t know them. Everyone helped him and he eventually got it done. It took about 10 minutes though.  
“anyone have to pee now” said Dave.  
“i, kINDA HAVE TO POOP,” said Tavros, embarrassed.   
“oh my GOD okay fine well be waiting outside though unless if anyone else has t-“  
“We’re waiting to get to the hotel unless if you’re human.” complained Rose.   
Roxy crossed her legs as another pee fetish joke but no one got it this time either. She does have a pee fetish though because I like to project myself onto these ch  
Hey, how do you think Tavros poops? Like the story part of this chapter is over but I’m wondering. Ignoring troll anatomy, before and when he was in the wheelchair he did it normally, right? Was it bad enough that he absolutely couldn’t move his legs? If so, what’d he do then? What does anyone like that do? Do the doctors find a way to get it out another way? Do you have to poop your pants? Do you even need to get your poop out? Sure, it would be uncomfortable, but if I really wanted to, I could force myself to keep it in. Maybe. I mean I haven’t tried. Do you think poop desperation is a kind of porn? Like, pee desperation is. But is poop? Anyway, how does Tavros poop with his robot legs? In canon, did Equius think of _that_? In this fic, he doesn’t know how any of that works. What happened to his poop when Kanaya sawed his legs off? Like, what happens to anyone’s poop if they lose their legs? Like, where is the poop stored? You digest food, and then what? Where does it go to wait for the other poop to get out? How long does it take for a cheeseburger to turn into poop? Do you think Tavros has a robot dick? Like, did Equius think of that? Do robots have dicks? Did anyone understand my Danganronpa reference? Okay I’m done talking about poop now


End file.
